The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
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