"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Irish I had better jokes.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
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