Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
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