The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
You’re the queen of my heart.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
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