Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Adulting makes me wine."
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Go to BabaMail
