What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
A space fish is usually called starfish.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
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