Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
I like your tight end
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
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