I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
"Our relationship is like a fat guy."
"What?"
"It's not working out."
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
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