Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Namastay here or come home with me?
"There's no bunny like you."
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
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