A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
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