How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
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