Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
You're spicier than Sriracha.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
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