My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Metaphors be with you.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
You look a lot like my next victim.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
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