How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
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