You snooze. You booze.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
I less than three you.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I would give anything to be your personal item.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Go to BabaMail
