You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
It’s worth a shot.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Snow thank you.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
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