Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
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