Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
We have great chemis-tree.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Get in the swim this summer.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
He’s an elf-made man.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Wow, you drive me Davi
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Do you need new shoes?
Coz you've been running through my mind since the day I met you.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
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