Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
We make a great pear
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
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