What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Fairies just spell trouble.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
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