"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
V
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
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