So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
My frinds call me Legato, since I'm so smooth
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
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