As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
— Unknown
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
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