Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
You met all of my koala-fications
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
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