What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
Two days ago, I named my Wifi to "Hack it if you can".
Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted".
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
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