"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
You're my purr-son.
You have one compact set.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
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