People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
You dropped something. My jaw.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
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