“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
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