"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
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