Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
I’m kind of a big dill.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
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