“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
My love for you simply radiates.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
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