A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
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