The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
"Having a good hare day."
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Go to BabaMail
