I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.

Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!

Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.

Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.

What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!

What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.

Your name must be Summer because you are hot.

Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.

They say everything gets better with age.

Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!

"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney

What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.

I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?

If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.

What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.

I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.

Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.

What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess

Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?

It’s the clam before the storm.

You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"

"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore

Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!

Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!

What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.

I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?