The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
You sleigh me.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
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