A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
We are perfect balance for each other.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
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