I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
Snow on and snow forth.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
Go to BabaMail
