I’ll always be running-back to you.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
Your name is insert name here?
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
You should date a swimmer because no matter how tired we are, we never stop halfway.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
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