When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Say it ain’t snow.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
You’re more special than relativity.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
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