Nice life preservers.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
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