You mermaid to go far.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
You're hotter than a data center!
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
You’re brew-tiful!
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
Mooning is very ASStrological
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
You’re a perfect ten(t).
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
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