I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Don't get tide down.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I Ecuador you.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
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