"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."

"Which instructions?"

"Yeah, they're the ones."

What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.

What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!

"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner

Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.

How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.

"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous

Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.

Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.

How to cars convince you?

By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’

What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!

What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.

Poor white splash.

Sheena leads, Sheila needs.

Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.

“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”

I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.

“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz

"Yoda one for me."

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.

What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.

What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!

Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.

"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde

I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.

What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!

What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.

Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.

What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.

Knock Knock!

Who is there?

Water.

Water who?

Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?

What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.

What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.

Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!

What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.

What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.

What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.

How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi

I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!