Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Give me your number so I can make the call.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
I want you for no raisin.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
Go to BabaMail
