How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
How about a kanga-root?
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
I read dead people.
She has high elf-esteem.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Want to lock our bikes together?
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
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