The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
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