What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
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