Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.

What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.

"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."

Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!

What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.

Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.

What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.

What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.

What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!

Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!

Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!

Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?

What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!

When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.

The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.

An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.

In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.

I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.

I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.

What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.

Name the subject that is most fruitiest among others. History because of it huge number of dates.

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley

What did the car call his new band?

Back Seat Boys.

What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.

What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!

Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!

So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."

How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.

“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.

What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.

How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.

What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.

Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird

What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.

What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”