Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.

What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.

What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.

Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.

Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.

My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.

If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason

What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.

What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.

"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"

- Chelsea Handler

Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.

"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”

What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw

Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.

Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.

What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.

"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.

What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!

What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.

What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.

What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”

How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.

Shell-abrate the good times!

My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy

Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.

What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.

How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.

I’ve been getting blitzed all game.

What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.