Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
You had me at ruff.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I think we're mint to be!
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
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