There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
You are spud-tacular.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.
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