What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
We’re a perfect mash.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
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