There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Skiing is believing!
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
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