We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
That was thaw-some!
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
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