So, is it my dugout or yours?
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
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