Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
You set my heart bonfire.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
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