There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
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