“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Hey, how’ve you Ben?
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Oh Miles, you make me Smiles.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
Are you a lexicographer? Because you make my life more meaningful.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Go to BabaMail
