Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield

Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."

I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.

"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."

Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.

Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.

Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.

"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama

What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.

I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.

A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.

What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”

Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.

Whale, hello there.

Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.

“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf

Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?

Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp

How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.

“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown

My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."

The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.

Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers.

Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!

You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.

What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!

What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.

I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.

I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.

I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.

"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel

Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!

"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt

A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.

If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!

Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.

"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard

Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!

“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper