What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
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