What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Resting Grinch face.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
How Rudolf you to say that!
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