Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
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