What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
Anything is popsicle during summer!
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
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