The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
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