You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Dublin over in laughter.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
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