An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Life is brew-tiful!
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
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