Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
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