Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.

Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.

Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.

What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.

Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”

You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.

The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.

There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.

What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!

"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown

Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.

“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown

Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.

Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.

What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.

I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table

What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.

So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.

In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.

What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.

What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!

What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!

“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.

The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.

I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.

That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.

What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!

Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.

Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.

“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous

“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest

Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.

My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.

What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.

How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.