Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Love me do
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
You are the square to my root.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
I want you. I knead you.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
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