What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
I can score from multiple positions.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
You look like trash, may I take you out?
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
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