What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Can I claim your baggage?
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
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