What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
By the seat of one’s punt
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
Go to BabaMail
