Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
"It's wine o'clock."
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
Roses are red
Violets are cheaper
If I leave silent voicemails
Please don’t call me a creeper.
I only have ice for you.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
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