How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
I can’t find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
"Sip, sip hooray."
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
I only have ice for you.
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
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