What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
"I wood never leaf you."
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
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