What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
You’re unbeleafable.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
My moment in the sun.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
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